There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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