So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
