So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
