I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
