What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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