The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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