you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats