i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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