I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
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No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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