Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
