Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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