He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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