Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
