i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
