The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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