im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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