cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
