her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
