i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
