Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
