Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
why do cheetos always look like penises
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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