nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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