What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
