Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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