So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
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The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
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Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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