I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
