Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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