and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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