Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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