I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
