If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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