help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
