Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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