tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
