i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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