Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
