I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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