I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
