are you still at the devil's house?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
