enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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