you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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