My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
