Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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