my sisters under your porch take her home
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just had sex on a roof
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
