I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night