He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...