woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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