Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
