If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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