I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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