my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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