I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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