Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
