woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
