I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
