Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
