He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
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I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
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She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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