I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
